I am getting married, and I will admit that I have gotten swept away with the planning on more than one occasion. There seem to be a million details, not the least of which is what will I wear? Finally yesterday, the perfect dress arrived, after months of searching. I was so happy I wanted to wear it for hours. The best part was how much of a bargain I got. What I didn’t know was that my bargain (great for any outfit, trust me) was way more than I had imagined.
You see, I learned something new today: The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $27,000, with the average bride spending just under $4,000 on her outfit.
That will stop any would be bride in her tracks. Four thousand American Dollars. That is roughly eight times the cost of my first car, and a little less than a third of what I paid for the car I am currently driving. $4,000 is a fifth of a down payment on a house. (And if you really think about it, $27,000 would be a heck of a down payment for the couple’s first home…). $4000 is $3,900 more than I have ever paid for any outfit for any occasion for any reason, and way way way more than I paid for my own humble dress. Upon reading that statistic, my jaw dropped and I was literally at a loss for words. Me! Unable to think of anything to say.
Then it hit me… Our priorities are screwed up. Capital Screwed.
Why on earth is every young woman hell bent on having a blow-out wedding that literally breaks the bank? How smart is it to start of your married life deep in debt, or to put your aging parents deeper into debt for one day? This is a fabricated desire bred in the wedding industry, and fed at the teat of the media. Glossy books called “Bride”, “Modern Bride”, “InStyle Weddings” and “The Knot” beckon the weak with full color spreads of shiny things and too-thin brides smiling beatifically as if to say, “Don’t you want to be as happy as me?” This is one of the symptoms of our growing materialism. It used to be that weddings were about the love, now they're about the couture, haute or otherwise.
Don’t get me wrong… if you can afford (easily) a lavish wedding, then by all means, flaunt it. Do it, and enjoy. Perhaps think of us little people and save me a slice of designer cake. The rest of us, however, need to take a big fat step back and re-evaluate every aspect of getting married and get to the base of what we really want or need.
Let’s start with the ring.
You found him: The One. You are head over heels in love. You know it, he knows it. You have discussed the big “M”, it’s only a matter of time before a question gets “popped”. One day, you go out, everything is perfect. Your man gets down on one knee. Your heart is in your throat, because you know what’s coming. He waxes poetic about your beauty and your life, and opens a tiny box… Magic, right?
Apparently not for everyone. Apparently that magical moment that every little girl has dreamed about can be ruined by one thing… The RING! Who knew?
My fiancé proposed without a ring. He was very cute and romantic. I am so in love with him, that saying yes was never a question. I didn’t even ask for a ring. I just wanted the question. Silly me. Naïve girl that I am, I thought that the question was the whole point.
That’s not to say that I didn’t get a ring, I did. My soul mate said that he wanted us to pick the ring out together. That was one of the best shopping trips of all time. I immediately went out showing everyone who would look my new beautiful sapphire ring. Some of my friends were shocked. Where was my diamond? Isn’t it a little small? Do you think I could exchange it?
What? First of all, let’s ignore the fact that I actually got to pick out my ring and it is perfect. It even has a hidden heart that you have to look for, which, in my humble opinion, adds to the overall romanticism of my ring. Say that my fiancé had taken himself to the jewelry store, had looked at all the rings and picked out one all by himself just for me, would I scoff? Would I nit-pick over every detail? Would I ask him to return it for something bigger, smaller, more or less traditional? No! I would not. He loves me, and the ring is just a symbol of that love. I found out that a lot of women are unhappy with the initial ring that they get and insist on a trade in. The number one complaint is that the diamond is too small and the setting “looks too cheap”.
My question is, who are these women and why are these men still marrying them? Hello, matieralism? Phone call line one! I want to find one of these “diamond-too-small” girls and tell her: “Hey! Just because J-Lo has a diamond the size of her fist, that doesn’t mean you should too.” Some of these girls see their Hollywood heroes with big stones and think that this is the only way to be, that somehow it means you are more loved. Remember people, the folks in Hollywood are rich rich rich, and chances are, you are not not not. All political unrest and speculation about the diamond industry aside (because I do like shiny things – remember my sapphire?) bigger is not necessarily better. The size of the rock doesn’t equate to the size of his love. Or yours. If in your mind it does, please put getting married on hold and get thee to a psychiatrist.
This need for a large, expensive diamond ring as the only acceptable symbol of love does not bode well for budgetary concerns for a future life together, much less for the wedding itself. How haywire can the wedding plans go? Remember the $27,000 figure?
Yup.
Now you have the ring (assuming that the one he gave you was acceptable – or you have traded it in for some baffling reason), you’ve set the date, you need a dress. This is where Big Bridal comes in. They have years of experience duping young girls into spending thousands more than they have on a dress that they will wear once – and not even for a full day. You want to look like a princess, don’t you? Remember Princess Grace? Remember Princess Diana? Remember their gowns?
Well, yes, but these women were ACTUAL princesses, not just brides. They were supposed to look like princesses because they were. Now, using their images, gown designers and magazine publishers hope to convince all women that you have to look just like that. Royal and rich.
Except that most of us are neither. I want to look beautiful on my wedding day. I would be a filthy liar if I said that I didn’t, because I do. I want my dress to be special, and it is. I want my new husband to see me at my best, and he will. I don’t want to bankrupt myself in the process.
I started like all young women – looking through bridal magazines and on the internet for the perfect gown. For the most part, these are very ordinary dresses with a few sparkly beads thrown on to confuse already overwhelmed women. Most of them, let’s be frank, 99% of the population would look horrific in. Strapless? Honestly, unless you are a buff bride, hitting the gym and hard, you should probably cover up. Ball Gown style skirts? Crinolines? HOOP SKIRTS!? You have got to be kidding. On more than one occasion I found myself thinking, “Fiddle-dee-dee, Miss Scarlet will be angry that they took her gown.” The other extreme is the pencil silhouette which leaves one to wonder why Morticia Adams would allow someone to bleach her dress. How are you supposed to walk in those? How do you fit in a car with the other kind? No wonder we need limos to get around. Our dresses are three times our normal size. Is that flattering to the average American ass? Really?
So I looked, and I found one or two that would be acceptable for me and my own understated style. Then I researched the price. The cheapest dress I had liked was $800.00, without alterations or undergarments or shoes or veil. Total cost of the ensemble with everything attached = $1200.00. Good Golly Miss Molly, that sure cost a lot.
My entire budget for this affair is around $3k (you heard me... 3K, not a penny more...) I cannot justify spending almost half of my budget on a dress.
The other dresses I had picked out just went up from there. The most expensive award belongs to my favorite dress – it was ivory satin empire waist, rouching in the bust, fully lined, $2300. Yes, two thousand three hundred dollars. For twenty-three hundred dollars, I could repurchase both computers and my TV. I could go to Europe or Hawaii for a honeymoon. I could buy a large plasma TV for my fiancé and a sound system to boot. For twenty-three hundred dollars, I could buy an entire wardrobe and get clothes a lot nicer than I have now. No way was I going to spend this on a dress.
When I called salons in my area, they scoffed at me. That, you understand is what dresses cost. After all, this is the most important day of my life. Didn’t I want to look like a princess? The most reasonably priced dresses I found were at David’s Bridal, which seems to be the discount superstore of the industry (WalBride). There, I found a dress for $400.00 on their website. (By the way, the $99 dollar sale doesn’t apply to their plus size gowns, I checked, being a plus sized woman. That means that since the average American woman is a size 14, and wedding dresses run small, the average American woman will NOT be able to find a dress at David’s Bridal on sale in her size…) I called to make an appointment and was treated so rudely that I decided it would be better not to go at all. After researching this bridal chop-shop on the web, I am glad I didn’t. I had a really bad experience there once before when getting dresses for my friend’s wedding, so I was tempting fate with my own… But I digress…
I looked everywhere for a reasonably priced dress, finally turning to my old pal, eBay. What I found there was a virtual Mecca of bridal supplies. Dresses, under-things, shoes, veils, tiaras- all at super cheap prices. The only problem is sorting through hundreds of knock-off listings from Chinese manufacturers… (Not that I don’t trust the Chinese, but buying my dress directly from the sweatshop seems somehow less honest…) I found that a lot of women, probably desperate to recover some of the small fortunes spent on their weddings, are willing to sell their dresses (I guess daughters don’t wear their mother’s dress any more…) as well as a bunch of bridal shops selling samples and overstock. Cheap dresses abound. The world was my e-Oyster. All hail competition and the online marketplace! The gown of my dreams was at my fingertips. The daughters of these women were going to miss out, and I was going to cash in. (Cue evil laugh…)
Then I thought of my mother. She got married in 1970 in what I like to call the world’s smallest wedding ceremony. She, her mother, my father, his mother, My uncle Ralph, and two friends. My mother wore a short white dress with bell sleeves that she got from Penny’s, my father wore his blue suit. They were married without all of the pomp and circumstance that most people assume is necessary. They said their vows quietly in a church, had a piece of cake and took their wedding party out to dinner afterwards. My mother didn’t get an engagement ring. They had simple gold bands. They have been married for 38 years.
That was the deciding factor in the rest of my planning. The wedding is just a ceremony that legally binds two people together. Our life is where the value is. Forget the wedding. Forget the dress. Forget the blasted ring. If you love your partner, that is all that matters. The wedding and reception are a way to celebrate that love with your nearest and dearest. Period. I have a handful of people who will be sharing our day with us in fabulous Las Vegas Nevada. We are having a reception, because I want to party for a while in a place that doesn’t have slot machines… but other than that, I just want my friends and family around me to share my joy. After all, that is what it is supposed to be about.
My dress? It arrived yesterday. I found a closeout from one of my favorite brick and mortar stores listed at no reserve on eBay. The brand new lovely ivory satin empire waisted number (fully lined) cost me less than $100 with undergarments and shipping – they even threw in a veil. I will look pretty because of it.
I will feel beautiful because of the love surrounding me on that day.
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