An open letter to my fellow cube-ites

Dear cubicle dwellers, (specifically those who dwell with me on the third floor finance in the hell that is this company)

I have been holding my tongue a lot lately, and now I have to finally speak or I will go quite mad. You see, there are several things that you do that are driving me nuts. I don’t know what else to do except to beg you to stop. Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, please listen.

To the woman around the corner, I can hear you music. First of all, disco sucked the first time around. It doesn’t improve when it is being strained through your headphones so that it drowns out the music in my own. And why is it still playing after you leave for lunch, or sometimes for the day? Do you think that you are contributing to the overall ambience of the office with the dulcet tones of the Bee Gees? I beg you reconsider. If you insist on playing your music at this level, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands and super-glue the headphone jack on your computer shut.

To the young woman over the wall in anaylitics, not everything that comes out of your mouth is hilarious. Honestly, when I first heard you laugh, I thought you were hurt. I had dialed 9-1 before I realized that I didn’t need to dial the other 1 because you weren’t injured. You sound like a dying hyena, and it is disturbing. I have had nightmares about your laugh that wake me from a dead sleep. It is a sound that you would normally hear in a horror movie coming from the mouth of the killer. It is not a normal people laugh. You need to go to laugh therapy and revise how you do it. How about a good natured chuckle or a girlish giggle? How about a guffaw? Honesty, any sound of mirth would be preferable to the ear bleeding screech that passes as amusement to you. Please, please for the love of God, have yourself checked.

To the management team over by the windows, don’t you work? In the current environment we are in, I would think that management would want to set an example by working hard and showing those of us lackeys below you that everyone is having to struggle to get things done. It really doesn’t do anything to boost morale when the bosses spend forty five minutes having an extended coffee break while they block access to the copier. If you need something to do, how about trying to fix said copier? It spends more time jammed than working, and if I get one more printout that is nothing but globs of toner, that is how you are going to receive your next reports. If you feel you need to leave early every Friday for a round of golf, have the decency to lie to us. Tell us that you have some urgent business that needs to be attended to. Don’t walk through a group of employees who have been working late and through lunch while wearing your golf hat, announcing your tee time to anyone who will listen. If you want to keep the little people from a mass walk-out, keep your playtime on the down low.

To the obscenely happy manager from down the hall, not everyone is a morning person. Your sing-song-y voice is not charming or cheerful at seven am. It is sickeningly annoying. Most of us need at least one cup of coffee before we really get going – at least I do. When you stand at my desk or see me in the hall, have the courtesy to ignore me until at least 9. If you have legitimate business to attend to, drop your voice a full octave or send an email. On that note, not every email needs a little smiley face. I would prefer that some of them were all business. I don’t have time to learn how to make an emoticon for every emotion. I refuse to devote the brainpower to learning it. Don’t take it personally if I don’t sent the same expressive punctuation when I email you back.

To the IT department – I don’t know squat about how to fix my own computer. If I did, then I would be in the IT department and not in accounting. When I call you with a problem, it is a legitimate problem. I call you when my computer ceases functioning because I DON”T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. The only trick I know is to re-boot. If that fails to work, I am out of ideas. This does not make me an inferior being; it just means that I don’t know how to do your job. The same way you don’t know how to do mine. Don’t talk down to me, and don’t act like I am wasting your time with my issue. Part of your job description is to “Solve internal technology issues for associates.” I know. I looked it up.

To cell-phone girl, turn off your freaking phone. Or at least have the decency to turn the ringer off. Haven’t you ever heard of vibrate? Your ringtone is not cute. It ceased being cute the first time I heard it, and now I get to hear it five times a day every day. And when you answer it (which I have noticed is quite the rare event) you do not have to shout. If I can hear you three rows over, you are talking too loudly. Pipe down unless you want everyone around you to know your business. I already know far too much about your husband’s prostate. Turn your phone off or give it a nice normal ringer for when you are in the office out of respect for the sanity of the rest of us.

To the drama queen, your life is not that interesting. Not everything is a dramatic event worthy of a lengthy narrative. Sometimes a drive to work is just a drive to work. If you fought traffic, the rest of us probably did as well, since no one that I know actually lives at the office, the traffic gods did not purposefully delay your trip. The snow isn't falling just around you, the sun wasn't in your eyes alone. You are not the only person to have ever gotten a cold, a sunburn, a rash. You aren't the only one in history to have had a fight at home. You might be surprised to learn that the lines at the post office are long for everyone. If you could shut your pie-hole for a few moments, you might learn that most of us face the same issues day in and day out without all of the drama. Your daily boring diatribes regarding the general state of your life are beginning to wear me out. If you want to bother people with the minutiae of your life, start a blog. That way, if someone doesn’t want to read, they don’t have to.

I know that if we can all take our time and spare some consideration to those around us (me in particular), we can get through our days here without losing our sanity.

Sincerely,
Dawn the Annoyed